People pleasing and perfectionism come naturally for me. A’s in school were more about impressing a teacher than learning the material, and work ethic reflected a deeper desire of praise from supervisors than a passion for the task at hand. When I became a Christian, none of this behavior stopped.
You would think that as a Christian, people pleasing and perfectionism would be incredible strengths once you shift the One you are pleasing and what exactly you are trying to perfect. Wrong. These two traits, praised by the world and the people around me, are some of the most destructive when it comes to my actual relationship with Jesus.
There are, of course, the obvious ways that this impacts my day-to-day walk with Jesus. I can turn acts of obedience into tasks to perform well on, and I can gauge my ‘success’ as a Christian on how others perceive me in church. But beyond all of this, there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
I can love God more than anything, and desire to do His will, but because of these two tendencies I have, I reject God constantly. Let’s break that down.
For a people pleaser, the biggest dopamine hit is praise and approval. It actually is defined as “a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”. Basically, meeting other people’s needs trumps everything. This sounds like a great trait, but when you’re running on empty its hard to meet anyone’s needs.
Perfectionism, on the other hand, is really self-explanatory – if it isn’t perfect, it isn’t good enough. Again, by the world’s standards this sounds amazing. It sounds like a self-motivated, hard-working goal oriented individual who would score #1 on a resume competition. Unfortunately, it normally means no matter how hard I work toward something, it is never good enough. More than that, when I finish something and it is good, that feels like the bare minimum and I can never fully appreciate what I’ve accomplished.
Now let’s play out this scenario. You work really hard trying to make someone happy, because you love them and it’s important to you because they’ve done so much for you. You try to become exactly who they want you to be. And every single day you fail. In your head you know this person still loves you, but you also know that no matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect for them without their own help, and you will fail every day. This is the twisted truth Satan can play in my mind when it comes to my relationship with Jesus. I fail him every day. If there was an award for the greatest Jesus-pleaser, I would score lowwwww on that ranking. And, obviously, I’m not perfect and God knows it; there’s no fooling Him.
But, there’s another option. God already knows I’m not perfect and I can’t please him all day, every day, but my boss at work doesn’t know that. My roommates don’t know that. Some of my friends might be trickable as well. So what do I do naturally? I create some space between me and God because I don’t need to be reminded I’m a disappointment, and I make a whole lot of room for chasing the praises of people, and being a perfectionist in the eyes of everyone else.
Friend. This is not the Gospel. This is a twisted half truth that Satan wants you to believe. If you are reading this and in any way feel like you can relate, I promise you’re being lied to. Let’s set the record straight. It is true, God does not think you are perfect. Take a second, soak in that truth, but don’t stay in it. He has known from before He made you that you would turn out exactly how you are, and loved you so much that before you were even born Jesus took your sin that you hadn’t even committed yet and died so that you could be forgiven for them. He doesn’t think you’re perfect because it’s never been about performance. I can convince my boss I am perfect, but that’s because my boss doesn’t deeply, fully and intimately know me. It’s all an act! Jesus doesn’t want an actor, He wants a child. He wants you as His child. Let the walls down, you don’t have to be perfect for Him.
And with that, pleasing people does not apply to God. Romans 3:23 says for ALL have sinned and fall short. You understand that if you could please God 24/7 you wouldn’t need Jesus right? And that is definitely not the Gospel. We fail God every day, and He still created us in advance with a purpose, to do the good works he prepared for us. Pleasing God looks like surrendering every day, humbling yourself by realizing you are not perfect, and committing to allow the Spirit to fill you in a way that you can take up your cross and follow the example of Jesus. Let’s face it, following the Bible is HARD. I think this gets watered down by trying to sound theologically correct sometimes. I hear phrases all the time like “it isn’t your strength it’s Gods”, or people saying “You can’t transform yourself, you need to let Jesus do the work” – which I do think these are true. But guys. It is HARD to surrender to Jesus like that! What do you mean I can’t talk about that person I don’t like with my friends? What do you mean I can’t wear that shirt so that guys notice me? What do you mean I can’t go out and get drunk for my 21st next month?
THIS IS WHY FOLLOWING JESUS IS DESCRIBED AS TAKING UP YOUR CROSS!
YOU HAVE TO DIE TO YOURSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I want to be as clear as possible not to minimize how hard following the Bible is, while being sure to call you to do just that. Because no, we cannot people please our way to heaven, but that does not mean we have this free pass to sin all day without repentance and use Jesus as a get-out-of-jail free card when it’s convenient. Know that you will fail Him every day, and wake up each morning committing to obedience and surrender anyways. You will be amazed with what He can do with a heart that says I just want what you want.
This roadblock in my relationship with Jesus is something newer I have realized, and let me tell you it is taking a lot of prayer to remind myself that people pleasing and perfectionism in the world are only appealing because I have allowed myself to believe a lie about my Father. God does not look at me or you and see disappointment and failure, He sees His little kid running around, and He just wants the very best for you. Don’t allow shame and pride to hide you from a relationship with Him and miss out on all the goodness He has to offer you.